


And call me in the morning

by atimi (bertee)



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Doctors, Crossdressing, Drinking, Green Wing - Freeform, Hospitals, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-19
Updated: 2010-10-19
Packaged: 2017-11-11 10:01:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/477329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bertee/pseuds/atimi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On his first day at work in a new hospital, Jensen finds that his biggest concerns revolve around not looking like a psychotic hobo, deciding which coworker(s) he wants to sleep with, and figuring out a way to stop badgers having sex in his house.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And call me in the morning

"Kane, I'm going to kill you," Jensen declared. "I'm going to actually kill you. There will be actual death in your near future."

Leaning against his car, he saw a couple of teenagers cross the street to avoid him and he lowered his voice as he spoke into his phone, "It is two o'clock in the fucking morning, Christian. I have been driving for the last sixteen hours. I was expecting to get to the house you _rented out_ to me, have a shower, get some sleep, and not look like the bastard offspring of a panda and a redneck when I show up for my first day at the hospital in the morning."

He took a breath.

"You know what I wasn't expecting? I wasn't expecting to walk into the house you rented out _to me_ to find that two of Steve's buddies have been living there for the last three weeks." He laughed to himself, feeling the hysteria setting in. "I also wasn't expecting to find them dressed up like badgers and dry-humping each other but I guess that's fuckin' life, right?"

One of the badgers stuck its furry, oversized head out of the upstairs window, evidently roused by Jensen's complaints. 

"We call it yiffing!" it corrected indignantly before vanishing back to its lair.

"They call it yiffing," Jensen relayed. "Which is great. I mean, I have nowhere to live, I'm going to start work in five hours smelling like fried chicken and gasoline, small children will probably flee from me in terror, but hey, at least I know the correct terminology for furry sex."

There was a laugh from beside him and Jensen raised his eyebrows when a large, burly, drunk guy wobbled over to him, sniggering and slurring, "Fuhrry ses?" 

Jensen pressed himself up against his car. 

"Hee." The guy ruffled Jensen's hair. "Fuhrry ses."

"I'm now getting molested by a two-ton drunk dude who thinks I'm wildlife," Jensen commentated for Chris' benefit. "Your death is still fucking imminent."

"Ha." The big guy swayed, his nose wrinkling in confusion. "Fuhrry ses innament? Ninament." He frowned, saying slowly, "In-min-"

Before he managed to finish the word, confusion gave way to panic and with a look of genuine surprise on his face, the large, burly, drunk guy threw up on Jensen's feet, burped unpleasantly, and staggered on to vomit another day.

"And now two-ton drunk dude up-chucked on my shoes," Jensen continued. There was a point when despair just seemed redundant. "You are going to die a horrible, painful death."

He checked his watch and sighed.

"I need to go get some sleep. Anyway, call me when you get this message."

  
**+++**   


As always, the start of the morning shift at St Mark's was heralded by a shout of, "Yo, Padalecki!"

Catching up to his friend, Chad flashed Jared a shit-eating grin. "Guess what I did last night?"

"An ostrich."

Jake's head snapped up from his pile of charts and he leaned forward, trying to peer round Jared to see Chad. "You had sex with an ostrich? What was it like?"

"Like sticking my cock in a pillow," Chad retorted. "No, genius, I didn't screw an ostrich. Who the fuck does that?"

"Did you know that an ostrich can run at up to forty miles an hour?" Jared said calmly.

Jake thought about this. "So that would make having sex with one kinda difficult, right? I mean, if it could run that fast, it could get away before you've even psyched yourself up."

Chad snorted. "You psych yourself up for sex?"

Jake frowned. "Well, if I was having sex with an ostrich, I would. Wouldn't you?"

"No way, dude. If I was gonna fuck an ostrich, I'd just walk right in there and-"

He let out what was presumably intended to be a sexy grunting noise but sounded more like the battle cry of an aggravated pig. 

Jake jumped at the noise and Jared watched blankly as Chad accompanied the grunt with a mime that involved grabbing the hips of an imaginary ostrich and thrusting up behind its imaginary ass. 

Unfortunately, the thrust took him a little too close to one of the people by the nurses' station and Jake joined in with watching blankly when the guy Chad was molesting spun around with a yelp, smacked him in the face with his unwieldy backpack, and then began apologizing profusely as he helped him off the floor, "Shit, shit, shit. I'm sorry, man. This bag's always bigger than I think - I nearly flattened a toddler on my way in - and I'm not sure where I'm going and I didn't mean to-"

Chad backed away from the disheveled apologizer, wiping his hands on his scrubs and saying with a grimace, "Uh, no problem. Take it easy." He turned away before adding under his breath, "Freak." 

However, the three of them didn't get more than two steps before the molestee called out hopefully, "Um, do you guys work here?"

Jared, Jake and Chad rotated back around slowly and it was left to Jared to gesture to their scrubs and white coats with the cheerful question, "What gave it away?"

The guy's lips quirked up in a nervous smirk, as though he was uncertain whether he should be amused or insulted. His fingers played along the pocket of his stained jeans and he asked, "Maybe you can help me? My name's Jensen Ackles; I'm supposed to start work here today and I was told to go meet the Staff Liaison officer when I got here but I couldn't see any signs and-"

"In the basement," Chad said. "Take the elevator down and head towards the cold room-"

"Staff Liaison's down the hall," Jared interrupted before Chad could finish directing Jensen to the morgue. "Go to the end of the hallway, turn left, and Misha's office is the second door on your left."

"And don't believe him if he tells you to yodel," Jake said seriously. "I found out last week that a vocal test isn't actually hospital policy for new hires." He frowned, seeing the three of them staring at him. "What?"

Jared ignored him and repeated for Jensen's benefit, "Down the hall, left, then second left."

"Thanks." The new guy smiled, adjusted his glasses, and took off down the corridor, leaving the scent of vomit and gasoline in his wake.

"Freak," Chad muttered again but walked on as he complained, "Why d'you tell him where to go? What happened to the master plan of directing the newbies to the morgue?"

"Did you not see the guy?" Jared wrinkled his nose. "He looks like he hasn't slept, shaved, or washed in a week."

"Plus he smelled like my stairwell," Jake contributed in disgust.

"And he smelled like Jake's stairwell." Jared snagged one of the many charts from Jake's hands and flicked through it absently. "The guy's clearly had enough trauma already without you sending him into a roomful of corpses."

Chad 'hmm'ed but acknowledged the wisdom of Jared's actions when an unpleasant consequence occurred to him. "He might have tried to have sex with them."

"Exactly. This way, the worst case scenario is that he has sex with Misha Collins."

Silence fell over the group as they dealt with that realization.

Jake finally broke it with the suggestion, "It might've been kinder to send him to the morgue."

  


**+++**  


When he made it down the hallway and to the left without causing any further injuries, Jensen started to entertain the hope that the day wasn't going to get any worse.

That hope grew when he saw that the Staff Liaison's office was actually where they'd said it was.

Taking a surreptitious sniff of his clothes (and grimacing when he found out that no, the vomity smell had not magically disappeared in the last ten minutes), he raised his hand to knock beside the nameplate that read "Misha Collins" but froze when he heard a noise from inside.

"Oh, oh! Yes..."

Jensen sighed. If his day was going to keep getting interrupted by sex, he figured he should at least be one of the people getting laid.

Uncertain whether to knock or whether to wander the hallways for a little longer while Misha Collins finished up, he lingered for a moment longer, leaning close to the door to try to discern a) how close Misha was to finishing and b) whether Misha was a guy or a girl.

There was another low moan followed up by the loud and decidedly masculine gasp, "Oh, fuck-"

However, before Jensen could draw any conclusions about the gender of the mysterious Misha, he heard a very dirty, very feminine laugh and a woman's voice teasing, "C'mon, take it, bitch."

Jensen's eyebrows shot up and against his better judgment, he put his head closer to the door, still unsure which of the two was Misha but now thoroughly intrigued by what was going on in the office.

There was a thump and the woman laughed again, sounding delighted. "Hell yeah. Who's your daddy?"

"Fuck you," the guy shot back with a grunt. Three more thumps came and the man's voice increased in volume, obviously getting closer to the end, "Yes, yes, yes-"

"Ha!" The woman whooped, apparently proud to be denying him an orgasm. "Take that, motherfucker!"

"What the-?" The guy sounded outraged and Jensen straightened up, unease creeping in at the change of tone. He readied himself for action but halted in confusion when the man said, exasperated, "Really? You really had to cut off my arm?"

The girl didn't sound fazed. "Sucks to be you."

"How am I supposed to hold my battle-axe without an arm? That's just-" He let out a high-pitched noise of distress. "My legs? You just chopped off my legs? Who the fuck are you - Obi-Wan Kenobi?"

She sounded fazed by that and said pointedly, "Princess Leia, thank you. I still have a gold bikini from last Halloween."

The anger in the man's voice switched to genuine curiosity. "Really?"

"You're not being Jabba," she warned before calling in triumph, "Oh, fuck yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a motherfucking winner!"

"What did you-" Jensen flinched back from the door at the volume of the man's disbelieving shout, "You ate my _head_?!"

"Yep," she said happily. "It was tasty. Pay up, Collins."

Dimly, Jensen registered that Misha Collins must have been the guy in the room but was too caught up in their argument to knock on the door and make use of this knowledge.

"You distracted me!" Collins protested. "You were talking about Star Wars. We bonded."

"No, you were thinking about my boobs," the woman said smugly. "Or possibly some kinky shit with Jabba the Hutt but I don't really wanna know about that."

"Hey, I'm a married man."

"Oh, please. Jared wouldn't have sex with a woman even if you gave him his body weight in candy and he still thinks about my boobs. Marriage is no obstacle."

It felt awkward to be eavesdropping on a conversation about some unknown woman's breasts (even though he apparently had no moral issues listening to the same unknown woman possibly having sex with the Staff Liaison) and so Jensen summoned up a burst of courage and knocked sharply on the door.

The argument stopped and he caught the man's shout, "It's open!"

Tentatively, he eased the door open and peered around it, ninety percent certain he wasn't about to encounter sex, nudity or random carnage but still leery anyway. "Misha Collins?"

A slim, dark-haired guy stood up from behind the desk with a wave. "The one and only." He stared at Jensen for a moment and his smile became a little more guarded as he advised, "Psych ward's two floors up. Try not to bite anyone on your way there, okay, man?"

Jensen wasn't sure whether to be more concerned that he looked like someone who belonged in a psych ward or that he looked like someone who went around trying to cannibalize bystanders. 

Deciding to blame both problems on Chris and his creepy badger friends, he plastered on his best attempt at a smile and looked between Misha and the redhead who was sitting on behind the desk and holding a game console. Despite his own lack of desire to have sex with women, he couldn't keep his eyes from dropping to her chest for a split-second to answer the question of why so many people evidently thought about her boobs.

Realizing that they were both watching him uncertainly, he edged further into the room and cleared his throat, still forcing a strained smile. "Hey. Uh, I'm supposed to be starting work here today and they sent me up here to fill in some forms before they'll give me a scalpel."

The woman's eyes went wide and Jensen realized that he probably shouldn't have made a scalpel joke until they'd both been assured of his mental stability. 

"Not for killing people," he amended lamely. "For surgery. In a hospital, not in a creepy barn somewhere with skin lampshades and eyeballs in jars and other things that I am in no way affiliated with." 

They stared at him like he'd just announced that he kicked puppies. 

Sighing, he tried again. "I'm Dr Jensen Ackles? I'm a surgeon?"

"Oh, yeah!" There was recognition in Misha's voice and Jensen tried to restrain himself from kissing him in gratitude. "We were expecting you." He looked at the woman next to him and said brightly, "He's not a woman! Your position is safe."

Jensen blinked at them, wondering if he'd hit his head sometime that morning and was now operating in a different reality to everyone else. "You thought I was a woman?"

"You have a weird name," Misha said with a shrug, apparently oblivious to the cross-gender usage of his own name. "Danneel was worried you'd come in and usurp her position as the hottest woman in the hospital. But you're not a woman so it's all good."

With that message delivered, he disappeared down behind the desk to rummage through some papers, leaving Jensen staring helplessly at the redhead, who was evidently called Danneel.

"If it helps," he offered, "you're definitely the hottest woman I've seen here so far."

There was a long moment of excruciating awkwardness and Jensen was about a second away from smacking his own head against the door in self-inflicted punishment for thinking that was a good way to introduce himself to someone.

Fortunately, it seemed like it actually was a good way to introduce himself to Danneel since her lips curved up in a smile and she got to her feet, pulling her hair back into a loose bun and walking around the desk to greet him. "Ackles, was it?" Jensen nodded and she reached out to shake his hand with a friendly smile. "Danneel Harris. I promise I'm a better person than he just made me sound like."

Misha let out a cough that sounded dangerously close to 'Bullshit'. He stood up with some papers in his hand and abandoned subtlety when he accused, "You ate my head. You are a horrible person."

Ignoring Misha, Danneel let go of Jensen's hand and explained, "Misha's a sucky loser. I mean, you'd think getting his ass handed to him five days a week would give him enough practice but no, he's still a whiner."

"You were a ferret in a previous life," Misha muttered.

Danneel shrugged. "I like ferrets."

"Get out of my office," he ordered half-heartedly as he rounded the desk and passed a sheaf of papers to Jensen. "Can you take Jensen up to HR to hand these in and give him the tour? I'll have his staff ID ready by the time he gets back." His eyes went wide and a little crazy-looking when he shifted his gaze to Jensen. "Smile!"

The camera flashed before Jensen even realized he was having his picture taken.

"What did you-" He cringed as Misha looked at the back of his digital camera with a smirk, and he asked, "Can we do that again? I look kinda like a serial killer right now."

Danneel patted him on the shoulder in consolation. "One time only, honey. Chad looks like an arms dealer in his, so at least you won't be the only felon in the joint."

"You know I have Chad's criminal record on file," Misha said conversationally. "It's more exciting than I thought it would be. There were a lot of raccoons involved."

Jensen's eyebrows went up. Before he could work out the best way to flee from St. Mark's and return to his old job far, far away from the crazy people, Danneel's hand tightened on his shoulder and he looked over to see her giving him a reassuring, non-crazy wink before she spoke to Misha, "I'll take Jensen up to HR. You can pay me my winnings at lunch."

With that, she shepherded him out of the door as Misha shouted after her, "Dick!"

"Pussy!" Danneel called back but turned to Jensen with a friendly smile as soon as the door closed. "So," she began with enthusiasm as they headed towards the elevators, "what field are you in, Dr Ackles?"

"Surgeon," Jensen answered, thankful to have a topic he could talk about. "Cardiothoracic." He swallowed, uncertain how to phrase the question as he asked, "Are you..."

"I'm a doctor," Danneel said, glancing up at him with a knowing smirk. "Shocking, I know. I'm _way_ less of a jackass than most of the doctors here."

Chuckling, Jensen tried to picture her in a variety of medicinal roles but struggled to match up the little he knew about Danneel - she was good at video games, had great boobs, and cussed like it was going out of style - with one specialty in particular, and he asked curiously, "What about you? Which field are you in?"

Danneel smiled brightly. "Pediatrics."

  
**+++**  


"Naked parachuting all the way. No contest."

"Really? You would jump out of a plane with your dick flapping in the breeze?" Jared scrunched up his nose in disgust at the image and followed Chad into the staff locker room. "That's gotta be uncomfortable. What if you hit a tree or something on the way down?"

"I wouldn't hit a tree," Chad asserted, confident in his skydiving skills. "I'd be like James Bond. But naked."

"Butt naked's right." He shuddered. "That's fuckin' gross, dude. I wouldn't want to see you coming at me from 20,000 feet."

It was almost too easy and he shook his head when Chad gripped the crotch of his scrubs and leered, "How about me coming at you up close?"

Jared was close to throwing up in his mouth. "We've been through this before, Murray. We are heterosexual lifemates. You don't get to 'come' anywhere near me."

"How are we heterosexual lifemates when neither of us are hetero?" Chad pondered, pulling his scrubs top over his head and tossing it into his locker before scratching idly at his belly.

"We're hetero when it comes to each other," Jared said, opening up his locker before simplifying his position for Chad's benefit, "I just don't wanna fuck you, man."

"Bad call, dude," Chad said. "Really, really bad-" He fell silent suddenly and Jared looked up from his locker as he heard him murmur, "Whoa."

Following his gaze to the door of the shower room, Jared couldn't stop his mouth from falling open when a hot guy wandered out with a towel around his hips and with water trickling down his bare chest. Chad looked equally stunned by the newcomer and they both remained dumbstruck even when the new guy caught sight of them and smiled. "Hey, guys."

The main door swung open before Jared could engage his upstairs brain and he felt his cheeks heat up when Danneel walked in to lean against the lockers. "Close your mouth, Padalecki."

Chad groaned. "Fuck, is he yours? C'mon, Harris, we've had this talk before. No bringing your boyfriends into the locker room - it's like pre-emptive cockblocking."

Danneel held her hands up. "Hey, not cockblocking. He's not mine."

"I'm not really into girls," the hot, wet, naked guy said. Jared's heart did a happy little skip at that news (which was totally a medically accurate description) and he did his best to look at the guy's face rather than at the rivulets of water that were trickling down over the planes of his torso. "We met already? I'm Jensen Ackles - you told me how to get to Misha Collins' office when I got lost this morning. I started work here today. I'm a surgeon."

"Holy shit," Chad said, evidently losing his brain-to-mouth filter in the face of the hotness of the new guy. "You're the crazy hobo?"

Jared stepped forward and extended his hand to Jensen with a broad smile. "Jared Padalecki. Neurosurgeon, Cancer, likes dogs."

Jensen grinned and shook his hand, running his other one through his damp hair. "Please to meet you."

Chad hipchecked Jared out of the way and stretched out his own hand with a flourish. "Chad Michael Murray. Anesthesiologist, Virgo, best fuck in this joint."

Behind them, Danneel snorted and Jensen shook Chad's hand as she said, "Debatable."

Jared leaned back against the bank of lockers and started to change out of his dirty scrubs while Chad protested, "That was one fuckin' time, Harris. I was drunk and I had a headache and you-"

Jared clapped him on the shoulder. "Keep diggin', dude."

Chad ignored him and turned back to Jensen. "Sorry about the crazy hobo thing. See, when I was a kid, I got robbed by a crazy hobo and the experience... Well, some would call it trauma. Ever since then, I've had this deep, crippling fear of hobos who are crazy, so when I saw you this morning-"

"You're so full of shit," Jared said with a grin, turning back to Jensen. "Sorry about him, man. We get some questionable people wandering in here sometimes but I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions this morning."

Jensen smiled and shook his head. "No problem. I did look kinda like a hobo this morning - I was supposed to move into my new place last night but when I got there, it had been rented out to someone else, so I ended up sleeping in my car. I promise I usually smell better than I did today."

"You smell better already," Chad said with a suggestive smirk.

Jensen looked kind of scared and Jared stepped in to rescue him. "Hey, Chad, maybe we should give Jensen some space to get dressed."

Chad looked like someone had just drop-kicked his goldfish. "But I-"

"Now," Jared interrupted, tugging Chad's shirt back down and clamping a hand on the back of his neck. "Bet I can get to the cafeteria before you can."

"Oh, it's on, motherfucker." Like a speeding bullet (or, more accurately, a speeding chihuahua), Chad tugged free from Jared's grip and darted out of the door as quickly as he could. 

Danneel watched him go, and Jared flashed a quick smile in Jensen's direction before tearing out after Chad and calling back, "Nice to meet you, man!"

He took off down the hallway towards the cafeteria and away from the half-naked Jensen, hoping that Danneel would let Jensen know who the best fuck in the joint really was.

 

+++

Due to a stray gurney and a sabotage attempt by the head of HR, Jared made it to the cafeteria to find Chad already sitting at their usual table with a chunk of taco hanging out of his mouth and a triumphant grin on his face. "Champion!"

"Fucker." Jared scooped up some of Chad's rice and chomped it down before dropping to a seat at the table. "I'm guessing you like the new guy."

Jake wandered in to sit next to them and Chad reached over to take a bite of his slice of pizza as Jake asked, "There's a new guy?"

"You know the crazy hobo that Jared wouldn't let me send to the morgue?" Chad said by way of explanation. "Turns out he's a really hot surgeon that I am absolutely going to bang."

Jared didn't try to hide his laugh. "Good luck with that."

"What?" Chad narrowed his eyes in annoyance but the effect was somewhat ruined by his taco-filled cheeks. "I am totally bangable."

"You just lied to the guy and said you had crazy-hobo-phobia. He knows you're an asshole."

"Everyone knows I'm an asshole," Chad pointed out. "I still get laid four times as much as Abel does."

"Hey, how do you know how much I get laid?"

Chad chewed his taco obnoxiously loudly. "I put cameras in your bedroom. Your last girl was faking it."

Jake's eyes widened, and Jared chuckled and patted him on the shoulder. "I'm sure it was genuine, man."

Jake still looked suspicious about Chad's observation of his bedroom activities but he changed the subject anyway, "So the new guy's good-looking?" Seeing Chad's arched eyebrows, he added, "Not that I want to have sex with him. Because I don't. I like women."

"We know, Jake," Jared reassured. "But yeah, Jensen's good-looking."

"Really, really good-looking," Chad chimed in. "Like, almost as good-looking as me. I'm totally gonna hit that."

"He's never going to sleep with you," Jared said confidently, reaching over to snag a tomato from Jake's salad and some chicken from his pizza. "Give up now and save yourself the humiliation."

"What's the matter, Padalecki? You want him all to yourself?"

"No," Jared said, not entirely truthfully. "I just wanna save the poor guy from getting the full Chad experience. You're like a stalker, dude."

"But a _sexy_ stalker."

Jake munched happily on his pizza. "I think that's an oxymoron."

"Fuck you, I can stalk sexily," Chad protested. He fixed Jared with a searing gaze, squinted, and then wiggled his eyebrows in a supposedly alluring way. "See?"

It looked a little like he was constipated and Jared eyed him skeptically. "Yeah, I see that. You're still not going to be able to hook up with him. Jensen's going to shoot you down in seconds and I will sit and laugh."

"Wanna bet?" Chad asked. "Fifty bucks says I fuck Ackles before this weekend."

"Done. So very done." Jared reached out to shake his hand. "Easy fifty bucks I ever made."

"What's the easiest fifty bucks you ever made?"

Jared's head snapped up at the question and he looked over to see Jensen standing by their table with a lunch tray in his hands. Sadly, he was no longer naked but without Jensen's bare torso to distract him, Jared found himself focusing on the green of Jensen's eyes and the full pout of his lips. (He could see why Chad was so eager to get him between the sheets. Or up against a wall. Or into a supply closet. Or in any kind of sexual situation at all.)

"He made a bet with Chad," Jake said helpfully. "Chad thinks he-"

He was cut off with an 'oomph' of pain when Chad kicked him in the shin and filled in, "Can chug a Blizzard in one go. Padalecki here was doubting my prowess."

Jensen looked understandably dubious. "Uh, have fun?"

Jared stifled a laugh. Chad glared at him and kicked a chair out for Jensen. "Come sit down. Padalecki will eat your food if you get too close but I have a proposition for you."

"Wow, zero to propositioning in three seconds," Jared said with a grin. "That's gotta be a new record."

"Unless you're picking up a prostitute," Jake said absently, and then frowned when the rest of the table glanced in his direction. "What? It would be speedy."

Jensen dropped into the offered seat and Jared leaned across to steal some of his fries as he said, "Not that we think you're a prostitute. Well, Chad might but the rest of us don't."

"I'm feeling so reassured," Jensen deadpanned. "Danneel's grabbing some lunch but she said she'll be over soon."

"Then I'll work fast," Chad said smoothly. "Sleep with me."

Jake choked on his pizza. 

Jensen blinked. "Uh..."

"You need somewhere to stay, right?" Chad continued. "Because someone's living in your house?"

"Badgers," Jensen said mournfully. 

Jared decided not to enquire further but Chad didn't seem fazed. "Right. So you need somewhere to sleep tonight that isn't your car."

"I guess-"

"Sleep with me!" Chad said triumphantly, like he'd just solved world hunger instead of invited the new guy into his bedroom in the least subtle way possible. "I've got a big bed and a steam shower and eight different flavors of condoms." He licked his lips and murmured huskily, "My favorite is magenta."

Jake tilted his head. "Magenta's a flavor?"

Jared heard the thump of Chad's foot colliding with Jake's shin followed by a whimper of pain and the hasty cover-up, "Mmm, magenta?"

Jensen looked dubious. "I don't-"

"C'mon, man, it's not a problem for me. I'm going to the bar with Padalecki tonight anyway so you can make yourself at home while I'm out and get a good night's sleep. You won't even notice I'm there."

Jensen picked at his fries and Jared couldn't believe what he was hearing when he said, "Yeah, that sounds great, man. Thank you. I promise I'll get my shit together as soon as I can - last night came as kind of a surprise."

"Stay as long as you like," Chad offered benevolently. "I am an excellent roommate."

"Lies," Danneel said, dropping her tray on the table next to Jensen. "You are a terrible roommate."

Jake looked at Chad in disbelief. "You roomed with her?" His gaze traveled to Danneel and his incredulity increased. "You roomed with _him_?"

"It was one weekend," Danneel said.

"One gloriously awesome weekend," Chad corrected, smarminess oozing from every pore.

Danneel grimaced. "I've blocked out the details. All I remember is a haze of awfulness." She looked around. "Why are we talking about Chad's failure as a roommate?"

"Jensen's moving in with him," Jake said. "Also, Chad has magenta-flavor condoms. I don't know if those two things are connected."

Danneel's eyebrows shot up and Jared started to hope that there might be someone else who could stop him from losing fifty bucks to Chad Michael Murray. "You're moving in with this douchebag?"

"One night," Jensen stressed. "It's not like I have anywhere else to stay."

"Y'know, they have these newfangled things called motels," she teased. "Fuck, you can room with me if you're that desperate."

"Hey, I asked first," Chad said. "Anyway, I'm sure Ackles wouldn't want to endanger your virtue or whatever."

"It's not _my_ virtue I'm thinking about," Danneel replied and Jared wondered if she'd guessed there was a bet already in place. "Seriously, Jensen, I don't mind."

Jensen (poor, naive individual that he was) shook his head. "I'm okay. I'll crash at Chad's tonight and I'll try to find a new place tomorrow."

Danneel looked skeptical but didn't protest any further, much to Jared's disappointment. Unable to offer up any more reasons why Jensen shouldn't stay with Chad beyond 'he's skeevy and I want you all to myself', Jared pulled off a simultaneous theft of Jensen's fries and Jake's lettuce as Danneel changed the subject. 

"So, magenta-flavored condoms, huh? What, were they all out of beige?"

  
**+++**  


"Your planning is atrocious."

"So's your face," Chad muttered.

Much like Jared, Misha was used to the maturity level of Chad's arguments and he let it roll off him as he took a sip of his mojito and repeated, "Atrocious. You could ride a kangaroo through the holes in this plan."

Jared frowned and asked, "Kangaroo?"

Misha bounced on his barstool and twitched his nose in a presumably kangaroo-ish way. "They bounce," he explained. "The holes are extra large because there is space for bouncing."

"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about," Chad said. "And my plan is awesome."

"Your plan is to go home and make awkward sexual advances on Jensen in the hopes that he'll be deluded enough to sleep with you."

Chad beamed. "Exactly."

Misha bounced pointedly. "Kangaroo holes."

"Where can you fit a kangaroo in there?" Chad held up one hand. "This is me." He held up his other hand. "And this is Jensen." His two hands rubbed up against each other like frisky dolphins. "See? There is no room for kangaroos."

"Kangaroo one," Misha began, "you're you. No-one wants to have sex with you unless they're in the grip of temporary insanity or they've known you for less than thirty minutes."

"The temporary insanity thing does happen pretty often," Jared said. "Jensen might succumb."

"Kangaroo two," Misha continued, "it's incredibly creepy. You invited a guy to stay at your place so you can come home late and seduce him. You're a reprehensible human being."

"This isn't news," Jared said, taking a swig of his beer.

"I'm not gonna guilt him into it or anything," Chad defended. "It's just convenient in case he decides he wants to have sex with me." He grinned. "And he's definitely going to want to have sex with me. That fifty bucks is mine, bitch."

"Do you ever think that it might not be such a good idea to sleep with your colleagues?" Misha asked. "Look at Rosenbaum and Welling."

Jared grimaced. The head of HR and the chief radiologist had been engaged in a tempestuous and thoroughly nauseating affair for months now and despite their attempts at secrecy, Jared had walked in on them having sex in a storage closet, the staff locker room, and the morgue. He didn't think he would be able to cope if Chad started bringing his sex life into the hospital too.

"That's different," Chad said firmly. "Me and Jensen are way more mentally stable than Rosenbaum and Welling, and I'm pretty sure Jensen wouldn't call out names of characters from The Wizard of Oz during sex."

"He didn't look all that stable to me," Misha said but Chad shrugged it off.

"He looked less like a serial killer after he showered. Anyway, I could totally kick his ass if he tries to murder me." He winked. "Or I could kick his ass in bed if he's into that. I'll let you guys know in the morning."

He downed the rest of his beer and moved to stand up, but Jared watched in amusement as Misha took hold of his shoulders and fixed him with a stare. Misha's stares never heralded good things.

"I have three pieces of advice for you before you leave," he said solemnly. 

Chad looked over at Jared in confusion and Jared shrugged but stayed quiet as Misha imparted his wisdom. "First, do not sleep with Jensen Ackles."

"But I-"

"Second, if you do sleep with Jensen Ackles or anybody else in the hospital, Genevieve will know about it, which means the whole hospital will know about it."

Jared chuckled. Genevieve's position as intern to Dr Welling and girlfriend of Katie in HR meant that she was ridiculously well-informed about the sex lives of all members of staff, but fortunately for Jared (and unfortunately for Chad), she used her powers for good approximately ninety-five percent of the time.

Chad looked less than thrilled about this reminder but asked, "What's the third piece of advice?"

"Never kiss the janitor from the basement," Misha said. "He has a habit of stealing souls."

With that advice given, he picked up his mojito and swept away to where Welling and Rosenbaum were trying to mount each other by the men's room, and Jared met Chad's wide-eyed gaze. "Holy shit."

Jared swallowed down some more beer. "What?"

Chad looked terrified. "I made out with that janitor last New Year's Eve. I thought the tingly sensation was just because I had to piss."

  
**+++**  


Jensen liked to think he wasn't the kind of guy who got laid on the first date.

Unfortunately, 'what Jensen liked to think' and 'what actually happened' didn't always match up, and as he changed into sweatpants and a tee, he wondered which kind of guy he was going to end up being tonight. 

It had been a couple of months since he'd broken up with Sterling, and Chad was a decent-looking guy who was obviously nice enough to let him crash at his apartment, but since he'd turned up to work that morning looking like some combination of a hobo, a serial killer, and a cannibalistic psych patient, he wasn't sure that hooking up with a colleague on the first night was really the way to go.

Already exhausted from the lack of sleep the previous night and from his first day at his new job, Jensen yawned as he tucked his bag out of the way and looked around the main room of Chad's apartment. 

The kitchen was off to the side, separated from the living room by a low wall, and the bedroom and bathroom were down a short hallway that was decorated with movie posters from Scarface, The Godfather, and Legally Blonde. Chad owned more couches that Jensen thought was logical but he was kind of impressed that he'd managed to wedge them into the space between his wall and his television, like a supremely squishy movie theater.

Overall, however, the apartment wasn't as bad as he'd been expecting. There were no suspicious patches of mold, no piles of trash littering the floor, and no immediate evidence of any other sexual partners, and Jensen leaned down to peer in the side of Chad's fish-tank where his questionably-named goldfish was swimming through an elaborate, sparkly castle.

"Well, hey there, Dracula."

Dracula ignored Jensen and swished his little goldfishy tail in his face as he turned to make another trip through the castle. However, this one wasn't as quick as the first and Jensen frowned when the fish didn't emerge from the other side as expected.

"Drac?" He tapped the side of the glass and baby-talked at the fish, "C'mon, Dracula. Don't get injured when I'm on watch."

The goldfish didn't emerge, and Jensen started to panic. He wasn't the most experienced person ever when it came to fish but he still carried the memory of his childhood pet, Barney the hamster, getting wedged in a cardboard tube when Jensen was five years old. He remembered Barney's furry little butt poking out as he scrabbled uselessly for purchase until Jensen had freed him from his cardboard confines, and with that in mind, he reached cautiously into the tank, hoping to help Dracula out of his castle.

His fingers just brushed the top of the castle when the phone rang.

Jensen jumped at the sound of Lady Gaga's _Telephone_ blaring from the speakers in lieu of a regular ring and he whirled around to answer the phone. Unfortunately, his brain and his limbs weren't working in complete coordination and it wasn't until he felt the first wave of water hit his clothes that he realized that he probably should've taken his hand out of the tank before moving.

"Fuck-"

His elbow caught the corner of the fish-tank and Jensen couldn't move fast enough to stop himself from knocking it off the low wall. It tipped towards him, soaking him from the chest downward and sending gravel and fish ornaments flying across the nearest couch. Jensen flailed desperately, trying to stop the tank from crashing to the floor, and he sagged in relief when he got his other arm up in time to support it before it could fall and break. 

Dripping wet, he set the tank upright again on the wall and sighed to himself. "Thank Go..." He trailed off and whipped around as his brain (which really wasn't doing a stellar job today) kicked into gear. "Dracula?"

Picturing Chad's face if he came home to find that he'd killed his fish, Jensen scanned the couch in search of the missing goldfish. "Drac?" 

He raked through a pile of pebbles and tossed the sparkly castle onto another couch when he caught sight of an orange tail sticking out from between the cushions. "Dracula!"

Diving forward, he scooped up the goldfish with both hands. It flopped pathetically against his palm, understandably unhappy about being ejected from its sparkly aquatic home, and Jensen stumbled to his feet and looked around for somewhere to put it. 

The tank was empty, with most of its water now soaking into Jensen's sweats, and so Jensen sprinted for the nearest water source he could find. With a murmur of, "I got you, Drac. I won't kill you.", he ran down the short hallway and lunged to throw Dracula into the watery depths of the toilet. The fish hit the water with a plop and Jensen's heart skipped a beat in the couple of seconds it took for the fish to start swimming again.

Sinking to the floor, Jensen slumped against the side of the bath with a sigh. "Thank you, Jesus."

He peered into the toilet but his eyes widened when he saw the fish swim down the back of the bowl. "No, no, no!"

Still dripping wet, he grabbed Chad's showercap from the side of the bath and reached down to scoop the fish up before it could disappear down the pipes forever and ever. Focusing on getting the fish into the showercap, he tried not to think too much about the fact that he was elbow-deep in Chad's toilet while covered in fish-water, and he smiled in relief when he hoisted the full showercap up to see Dracula swimming in happy little circles, not too traumatized by his adventures.

"I hate my life," Jensen told the fish. "Horny badgers, fucking _insane_ coworkers, and now a fugitive fish called Dracula." He looked down and grimaced. "And I look like a toddler who had a fight with a faucet. I'm definitely not getting laid tonight."

"Honey, I'm home!"

Jensen closed his eyes at the sound of Chad's shout and let his head drop down as he muttered again, "Definitely not getting laid."

He heard Chad's footsteps thump down the hallway and he raised his head to see him standing in the bathroom doorway with a frown on his face. "You okay, man?"

Jensen held up Dracula and the showercap. "I didn't lose your fish."

Chad raised an eyebrow. "Good to know. You know there's fish crap all over the couch?"

Jensen nodded miserably. "I knocked the tank over and got wet and spilled all the fish crap, and then I put the fish in the toilet so it didn't die but then it tried to escape and now it's in your showercap."

"Is Drac okay?"

"He's good."

Chad shrugged. "Awesome." His grin became slightly more lecherous when he suggested, "You wanna put Drac back in his tank and come to bed? I've got these awesome silk sheets and mood lighting and three different flavors of chocolate body paint. Y'know,"-he ran a hand through his hair in slow motion and then winked- "if you're into that." 

He walked further into the bathroom and Jensen got to his feet, fish-and-showercap still held awkwardly in one hand as Chad moved in close. "Trust me, you couldn't ask for a better introduction to working here than a night with yours truly. I guarantee that my dick is gonna rock your world. Unless you got a fear of earthquakes or something, 'cause then I can shoot for more of a gentle, swaying sensation. Like a hammock."

A hammock-dick wasn't the most appealing thought and Jensen leaned back as Chad's face got too close for comfort. "I don't know, man. Thanks for the offer and everything but I-" He tried to think of a nice way to phrase 'I just had my hand in your toilet' and settled for saying, "I'm kinda wet."

Chad grinned. "Hey, I swing both ways. I'm used to things getting a little moist in the bedroom."

Not fond of the word 'moist' in any kind of sexual context, Jensen wrinkled his nose. "I appreciate that, really, but-"

"Or we could heat things up," Chad suggested. "Lava lamps are an underrated bedroom accessory..."

"No, Chad, I don't-"

"Or we could just stick to some nice, easy foreplay. I've got some costumes in my closet - I make an awesome sexy surgeon."

"You're an anesthesiologist."

"That's why it's called a costume," Chad explained patiently. "It's not like I'm gonna operate on you. I could just run some tests and give you a thorough examination." He leaned in close and murmured huskily, "There might be some probing involved..."

The last of Jensen's patience vanished in a flash.

"No," he snapped, shoving Chad backwards with his non-fishy hand. "There will be no probing! I am not probe-able!"

"But-"

"No. I am _done_ with today. I don't want to watch badgers mating, I don't want to deal with insane coworkers, I don't want to be holding a fish that I just pulled out of the toilet," -he thrust Dracula and the showercap into Chad's hands- "and I do _not_ want to get probed by you." 

"How about-"

"No fucking either," Jensen said grumpily. "No sex of any kind. I am celibate until my life sucks less." Chad stared at him in confusion and Jensen scrubbed a hand over his face. "I'm out. I'll see you at work tomorrow."

He moved past Chad and strode back into the main room to grab his bag. His wet pants thwapped against his legs with every step and he found himself actually looking forward to a night spent sleeping in his car as he reached the door. 

"Wait!"

Chad was suddenly in front of him and Jensen stared him down. "If you suggest sex against the door, so help me God, I-."

"No sex," Chad said quickly before pleading, "We don't need to fuck or anything but that doesn't mean you need to leave. I'll take one of the couches and you can get a good night's sleep and not look like a crazy hobo tomorrow morning. C'mon, dude, there's a bed in there with your name on it." He hesitated and corrected, "Well, technically it has my name on it but you're the only one who'll be sleeping in it tonight, I swear."

Jensen paused. A bed did sound appealing, and after spending last night in his very full car, he knew the front seat wasn't as comfortable as his two-year-old nephew seemed to think it was. 

"Fine," he relented. "I'll stay. But no sex."

Chad beamed and took his bag out of his hands before he could change his mind and leave. "Zero sex. Now go get some sleep. Oh, and change your clothes. You look like you pissed yourself." He cocked his head at Jensen's soaked pants and wrinkled his nose. "Repeatedly."

  
**+++**  


It didn't bode well when the first thing Jensen saw when he arrived at work was Genevieve sitting outside the hospital with a cigarette tucked between her lips and a smirk on her face.

He'd met her the previous day during Danneel's whistle-stop tour of the hospital and its staff, and after watching her reduce Dr Welling to a neurotic mess, he'd made the effort to remember her name and face to try to avoid the same thing happening to him. However, given that Genevieve had known who he was within minutes of him arriving at St Mark's, he didn't have much hope that his night at Chad's place would remain a secret.

Genevieve took the cigarette out of her mouth and grinned wider as he approached. "So you're into the chocolate body paint, Ackles?"

Jensen did a double-take. With the possible ammunition provided by the goldfish-toilet shenanigans, he was surprised Genevieve knew about some random body paint offer that Jensen had turned down. "Whuh?"

"It's Chad's favorite seduction technique," she said, holding out a cigarette which Jensen took gladly. "I'd say there's nothing to be ashamed about but it's Chad, so shame is probably healthy."

Jensen let her light his cigarette and took a quick, panicked drag. "I- What?"

"If it helps, you're not the first," she said sagely. "Chad's slept with, like, ninety percent of the healthy people in this place and the other ten percent are on his To Do list. He's a mistake that everyone has to make at least once."

Jensen gave her the side-eye. "Did you...?"

Genevieve laughed. "Hell, no." She smiled at him. "I mean, he tried, obviously, because I have a pulse and decent personal hygiene, but I don't play for that team. I'm surprised Danneel didn't warn you about him - she's usually a better person than I am."

Jensen blew out smoke with a sigh as he admitted, "I kinda didn't listen to her."

Genevieve flicked the ash off her cigarette as she teased, "Rookie mistake."

"But I didn't sleep with him," Jensen said hopefully, still wanting to maintain a reputation that didn't involve Chad's dick in any of his orifices. "He stayed on the couch the whole night."

"You're going for denial?" she asked in disbelief. "That's weak, dude."

"Hey, it's not denial if it never happened!" Jensen protested, then frowned. "Okay, I guess it's still technically denial but it's truthful denial, not 'I'm embarrassed about having sex with Chad and so I'm going to lie about it' denial."

"You'd be surprised how common that second one is."

"But it's true," Jensen said pleadingly, feeling his panic rise at the thought that the whole hospital might believe he got down and dirty with Chad of all people. "I didn't have sex with him. There was no naked contact of any kind. I don't have sex on the first date," he added, feeling virtuous at the knowledge that it was actually true this time.

"Really?" Genevieve asked. "You sure you and Chad are on the same page with that?"

"What did-" Jensen crushed the cigarette out as realization dawned. "I'm gonna kill him."

"Go for the head," she advised as Jensen got to his feet. "He's like a cockroach - decapitation's the best bet."

Not really wanting to know that Genevieve had opinions on how best to murder Chad, Jensen settled for a nod as he backed off. "So I need to go, uh, talk to Chad now."

"Run, Lassie, run," Genevieve teased, taking one long final drag on her cigarette. "He's probably still in the break room boasting about how he's irresistible to all men, women and chinchillas."

Jensen saluted and took off running. His white coat flapped out behind him as he went and Jensen took some comfort in the knowledge that most people in the hospital probably thought he was running to save a life, not to punch Chad Michael Murray in the face. Repeatedly.

  
**+++**  


"I'll think I'll spend those fifty bucks on a disco ball."

Rolling his eyes, Jared reached to dig out some notes from his wallet. "I can't believe that actually worked," he said, trying not to sound bitter. Jensen hooking up with Chad was obviously a result of temporary insanity and Jared really shouldn't be jealous of that. "And you're not spending my money on a damn disco ball."

Chad snatched the money out of his hand with a cackle. "My money now, dude. I'm gonna put one above my bed so that next time Ackles sleeps over, we can set the right mood..."

"Please don't tell me you pull Travolta dance moves during sex," Jared said with a grimace. "The mental pictures were bad enough already, man."

Chad remained unflappable as he dropped down to the couch and propped his feet on the table. "Too bad you'll never get to have the Chaddinator experience. All this?" He waved a hand in the general vicinity of his crotch. Jared tried not to throw up in his mouth. "This is all for Ackles now."

Jared smirked. "Did you embroider 'Mrs Chad Ackles' on your scrubs yet or are you holding out 'til the second date?"

"You got married?" Jake asked, letting the door of the break room swing shut behind him as he took the chair on the other side of the table. "Is that legal?"

"Nope," Jared said cheerfully. "Chad is legally prohibited from getting married, procreating, or congregating in public with raccoons."

Chad punched him on the shoulder. "Shut up." He turned to Jake. "Only that last one's true. Anyway," he began again, "I'd make an awesome boyfriend. I have coupons for, like, every food joint in town."

The break room door clattered open and Jared looked around in surprise at the furious shout, "Murray!"

Chad's eyes went wide as Jensen strode into the room, flushed, out of breath, and definitely not happy. "What the fuck, Chad?"

"Yeah, you'd make an _awesome_ boyfriend," Jared teased but sat back to watch as Chad scrambled to his feet.

Jensen approached, still looking angry, and Chad smiled hopefully. "Hey, Ackles. Good to see you."

"Wish I could say the same," Jensen ground out. "I saw Genevieve outside. Apparently she drew some interesting conclusions about last night."

"She has a dirty mind?" Chad suggested nervously but his smile faded when Jensen's eyes narrowed. 

"I don't think she's the problem here, asshole," he said angrily. "Did you go around telling everyone that I slept with you last night?"

"No!" Chad protested but Jared couldn't stifle a snort of laughter as he amended, "I might have implied it. Kind of, and only to Padalecki."

"Kind of?" Jared repeated in disbelief. "Dude, I just paid out on that bet. Gimme those fifty bucks back."

It was only after he'd snatched the notes out of Chad's hand that he realized admitting to the bet might not have been the best idea ever when Jensen was already riding the outrage wave. 

"You made a bet?!"

Jared held his hands up. "If it helps, I bet against him getting in your pants. I'm the better person here."

"Objectively, you both kinda suck," Jake commented, taking a sip of his 7-Up.

Jared aimed a glower in his direction before turning back to Jensen and Chad and asking, "Wait, so if you two didn't sleep together, what was all that shit about you having him in your bed last night?"

"I did kinda have you in my bed last night," Chad said with a glance at Jensen. As far as Jared was concerned, incandescent rage was a surprisingly good look on him. "I just wasn't in the bed at the same time."

Jared frowned. "Where were you?"

"The couch." He flashed a smug smile. "See? I'm a good person."

"You disguise it well," Jared said. "So, what, you thought you'd try to trick me into paying out? Douche move, man."

"Hey!" Jensen interrupted. He still looked like he wanted to punch both of them and Jared shut up as he said, "Until everyone at _your_ new job thinks you fucked a coworker on your first day, you don't get to call douche move."

"Actually that's an asshole move," Jake informed him helpfully. "There's a special scale of insults for Chad. Dr Harris made a flowchart about it."

Jensen stared at him for a second before waving it away and turning back to Chad. "Look, I don't care if you're a douchebag or an asshole or whatever else. I didn't sleep with you. I'm never going to sleep with you. Now you can either get Genevieve to issue a retraction on your behalf or I can punch you like you deserve. What's it gonna be?"

"Genevieve doesn't really do retractions," Jared said. "Sure, she knows every single rumor that goes around this place but she doesn't usually share the wealth unless the story is both true _and_ entertaining." He gave him a half-hearted smile. "Not that many people will know about this yet." 

Jensen went still and Jared understood his dilemma when he looked around to see that the break room was full of people who were all watching proceedings intently. "Oh. Well, I guess they do now," he said sheepishly. "Sorry, dude."

Jensen stared at him for a second before squaring his shoulders and raising his fist in Chad's direction. "Punching wins."

"Wait, wait, wait!" Chad yelled, holding his hands up. "My face doesn't like punches!"

"Do I look like a dominatrix to you?" Jensen asked, grabbing the front of Chad's scrubs with his other hand. "This isn't supposed to be the kind of pain you like!"

Jared raised his eyebrows at the implication that Jensen might be into a fun kind of pain but figured he should actually do something to stop the fistfight in the middle of the break room. "Not to break up the party or anything," he said cautiously, "but if you hit him, your hand's gonna be sore for the rest of the day and you can't do surgeries with it like that." Jensen hesitated and Jared pushed on, "Trust me, dude. I've punched him before and his head is really hard. Like a little squinty rock."

"Fuck you, my head isn't little," Chad shot back before tugging free when Jensen reluctantly lowered his arm. "Dude, I-"

"Am totally going to apologize for being an ass," Jared filled in, springing to his feet and putting his arm around Chad's shoulders. "Also, he will undergo a punishment of your choosing to show how sorry he is. Right, Murray?"

"What the fuck-"

Jared slapped him around the back of the head.

"Hey!"

"Don't make me get Danneel," Jared threatened, but he relaxed when Chad's shoulders slumped in defeat.

"Fine, whatever. I'll apologize. But only because I'm a classy motherfucker and because Padalecki here has a dirty mind." He looked at Jensen. "And because this face is too attractive to get punched." He cleared his throat and took a deep breath before announcing, "I'm s-"

"Wait," Jake interrupted. "Shouldn't we get Genevieve here? And anyone else who knows you guys went home together so you can tell all of them you didn't have sex?"

Jared heard Chad sigh but he grinned at Jake. "We trained you well, young Padawan." He clapped a hand over Chad's mouth before he could speak and instructed Jake, "Go get everyone in here."

Jake hurried off and Chad looked over at Jared. "If he's a Padawan, I call being Obi-Wan."

Jared snorted. "Bull." He held out his fist and punched the air when Chad threw paper to his scissors. "Suck it, Yoda."

Chad grumbled something under his breath, probably about how he wanted to be Boba Fett or someone who wasn't green and two feet tall, but Jared ignored him as he leaned back against the wall and watched as the break room filled up with people at a surprising speed. Genevieve, Katie and Misha were perched up on the countertop with their feet dangling down; Aldis from IT and Beth from HR were engaged in quiet conversation about South American wildlife by the door; Rosenbaum and Dr Welling were shooting very unsubtle glances in each other's direction across the room; and Jensen, Jake and Danneel were sitting on the couch looking like a firing squad with stethoscopes.

He cleared his throat loudly and the room fell silent in time to catch the tail-end of Welling's stage-whisper to Rosenbaum, "-on the kitchen floor like cats in heat."

Chad coughed. "Awkward."

"Not as awkward as it's going to be," Danneel said, sounding delighted at the prospect. "Didn't you say something about an apology?"

Jared nudged Chad forward and folded his arms as Chad drew himself up to his full height and began, "Ladies, gentlemen," -he looked at Danneel with a grin- "and Harris, I have an announcement to make. Now, I know it's pretty rare for someone not to want to hit this, but we all make bad choices sometimes." Jared nudged him sharply, and Chad rolled his eyes before looking in Jensen's direction and doing his best Clinton impersonation, "I want to make it very clear that I did not have sexual relations with that surgeon."

"And...?" Jared prodded.

"And I'm sorry for implying that I did," Chad said obediently before addressing the rest of the room with an optimistic smile. "Also, I think this proves that I'm a very considerate kind of guy, seeing as how I gave up my bed to a homeless colleague last night."

"Then lied about getting laid," Danneel said, crossing her arms across her chest. "Yeah, you're a real catch."

"Y'know, one day we're gonna have to do something about this sexual tension, Harris," Chad said. "I vote for fucking it out like healthy adults."

Danneel rolled her eyes. "I wouldn't touch your dick even if I had a fucking Hazmat suit."

Chad put his hand on his heart. "Why you gotta be like that, baby?"

Smirking, Danneel threw something in Chad's direction and Jared blinked when he saw the pair of silk panties dangling from Chad's finger. "What the-"

"Punishment," Danneel said cheerfully, leaning back on the couch next to Jensen. "You wanna prove you're sorry, don't you?"

"Wear them for the rest of the day and I'll forgive you," Jensen added, and Jared was pained to see that he still looked hot even with a smug grin on his face. Life was unfair.

Chad looked at the panties in dismay. They were lacy and blue and matched his eyes but before Jared could point that out, he felt something hit his face as well. He managed to grab it before it hit the ground but stared in confusion at the peach-colored panties as Jensen said, "You too, Padalecki. You gotta earn the right to keep those fifty bucks."

"By wearing women's underwear?"

Chad shrugged and twirled the panties around his finger. "Dude, fifty bucks says I can rock these better than you."

Jared hesitated, looking between Jensen and the crowd that had gathered to listen to the apology as he tried to make up his mind. Unfortunately, turning down a bet went against all his natural instincts, especially when that bet was with Chad. 

"Get ready to lose fifty bucks, man." He turned back to the crowd with a smile. "Show's over, guys! This is the end of your daily reminder that Chad's an asshole. Other news just in: the Pope's a Catholic and bears shit in the woods."

There were ripples of laughter through the crowd and Jared watched as most people headed back to work, leaving them facing Jensen, Jake and Danneel, who all looked suitably amused by proceedings. 

Running a hand through his hair, Jared held up the panties. "So I guess I should go get changed before I get back to work."

"How is this not fazing you?" Jake asked, sounding awestruck. "You're really going to wear those?"

"Hey, I'm secure in my masculinity," Chad said, looking as manly as one could when brandishing silky, feminine underwear like a badge of crossdressing honor. "I saw 300. If those dudes can kill shit in leather underwear, I can save lives in women's panties."

"Save lives?" Jared teased. "Dude, you knock people out. _I_ swoop in and save lives like a badass. You're like the elf to my Santa Claus. The Robin to my Batman."

"The Brokeback to your Mountain?" Danneel added with a smirk and laughed when Chad flipped her off. 

"Screw you," he said good-naturedly. "My job is way more important than all of yours." Adjusting his scrubs, he cleared his throat and said, "Now if we're done here, I'm gonna go be like that guy from 300 but in panties."

In Chad-world, that was apparently a good thing and with a quick wave to the three people left on the couch, Jared tucked the panties into his pocket and followed him out of the break room. He matched Chad's stride easily and as they headed down to change, he couldn't resist pointing out, "You know 300 is, like, the least manly movie since Top Gun, right?"

****

+++

  
"Y'know, I'm still waiting for the 'I told you so'."

Danneel shrugged and took a bite of her pasta. "I'll give you a pass this time," she said easily. "Call it a rite of passage. Everyone needs to have at least one awkward night with Murray; you're just lucky that you were smart enough not to fuck him."

"I ended up trying to catch a runaway goldfish with a showercap," Jensen said, settling back on the bench outside the hospital. "It wasn't exactly a successful evening."

"Hey, it's all relative," she said, waving her hand and sending a piece of pasta flying off her fork onto the grass as she did so. "You got Jared and Chad to wear women's underwear all day so I definitely count that as a win."

Jensen dug into his lunch as he said in disbelief, "I can't believe they agreed to that."

"The best way to get Chad to do something is to present it as a challenge to his masculinity," she advised. "Like, you can prefix any task with "I bet you're not man enough to..." and Chad will do it just to prove you wrong. A couple of years back he spent his whole lunchbreak cleaning my car because I told him I didn't think he'd do it. I mean, I figured it out in the end but he's still a gullible fucker."

Jensen laughed, enjoying the thought of Chad on car-washing detail, but then asked curiously, "What about Jared? Why did he agree?"

"Jared's more complicated than Chad," Danneel said. "Which isn't saying much, but whatever. You've seen Jared's hair so you know threats to his masculinity aren't gonna have any effect, but he'll usually do dumbass shit to impress guys or to kick Chad's ass." She took another bite of food. "Oh, yeah, and for treats. Candy is a surprisingly good motivator."

"I'll keep that in mind." Jensen took another bite of pasta and failed to sound remotely casual as he asked around a mouthful of meatball, "Is Jared like Chad? Y'know, with the whole sex thing?"

Danneel pursed her lips in thought for a second. "Well, I've never seen Jared checking out farm animals so I'd say he's different enough." She relaxed into a smile and teased, "Why, you interested? I know it might not seem like it so far but Jared's a good guy. Pretty much the whole hospital is in love with him though, so you got competition."

Jensen rubbed the back of his neck and abandoned his pretence of being casual. "Is he single?"

"Broke up with his boyfriend two months ago," she said with a grin. "Get it while it's hot, Ackles."

"Funny," Jensen retorted. He prodded his meatball with his fork as he said, "It's not like I'm in a relationship place right now anyway. Living out of your car isn't really a sign of good life-planning."

Having finished her food, Danneel leaned over to steal one of Jensen's meatballs but mustered up some sympathy as she asked, "You don't have a place yet?"

"The badgers are claiming squatters' rights," Jensen said morosely, skewering the meatball and bringing it to his mouth. "I'll find a motel for tonight and start looking for a new place as soon as I can."

"Or you could move in with me?"

Jensen promptly choked on his meatball. 

"Shit-" Kneeling up, Danneel slapped him on the back until Jensen coughed hard enough to spit it out. "You okay?"

On the scale of Embarrassing Things to Happen in front of a Coworker, Jensen decided that spitting out his food was preferable to asphyxiation-by-meatball and wiped his mouth before nodded. "Thanks. I- You want me to move in with you?"

Danneel looked at him with wide, hurt eyes. "You don't think we're soulmates?" She rolled her eyes before Jensen could start hyperventilating and said, "Hey, it's not compulsory and there are no strings attached. I used to live with Genevieve but she moved in with Katie last weekend and so I'm looking for a new roommate. The spot's yours if you want it."

"I-" Stunned, Jensen scrubbed a hand across his face. "Not that I'm complaining but why me? We only met yesterday."

Danneel shrugged. "You're the only person I know who needs a room right now, and this saves me from searching for a roommate someplace else. I don't wanna push you into it though - you can come check out the room after work and talk about all the details then if you want? I promise not to pull a Chad and hit on you like a creepy fucker."

"Man, I was so looking forward to that."

Smirking, Danneel leaned in close, lowered her voice, and murmured softly in his ear, "Baby, if you were a chicken, you'd be impeccable."

Jensen's reaction was somewhere between a chuckle and a cringe but he smiled when Danneel pushed herself to her feet, stealing a final forkful from Jensen's plate before saying, "So I should probably go take care of sick children instead of practicing my awesome pick-up lines. If you could not choke on your food when I'm not here to save you, that'd be great."

Jensen saluted. "I'll do my best. See you tonight?"

"See you tonight," she said with a wink. "Maybe I'll let you come up and see my etchings..."

He groaned as she walked away. "Go look after sick kids."

"Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can totally see myself in your pants."

"Go."

"Baby, I'm an astronaut and my next mission is headed to-"

"Please leave."

Laughing, Danneel disappeared back inside the hospital as a shadow fell across Jensen's lap and he glanced up to see Jake looking at him in confusion. "I don't get it. Where's her next mission headed to?"

  
**+++**  


Stripping off his scrub top, Jared tossed it into the corner with the rest of the laundry and rested his towel over his shoulder as he started to untie the drawstring of his pants. Chad's off-key rendition of "Livin' on a Prayer" rose above the noise of the showers and Jared found himself humming along to what passed for the tune as he finally got the knot out of the drawstring.

"Oh, shit."

Whirling around, Jared grabbed his pants to hold them up but smiled when he saw Jensen standing the doorway with a hand over his eyes. "Sorry, man, I didn't-"

"S'okay, I'm decent," Jared reassured. "You can look, dude."

Jensen peeked through his fingers before lowering his hand back down to his side. Jared felt a little thrill of happiness go through him when Jensen's eyes lingered on his bare chest for a few extra seconds of appreciative staring, but he frowned when Jensen dropped his gaze lower and asked, "Wow, you're still wearing those?"

Glancing down at where the peach-colored panties were visible above the top of his scrub pants, Jared shrugged. "What, you thought I was going to pussy out of a bet?"

Jensen laughed, walking further into the locker room to hang up his towel and scrub cap. "No, I just thought you wouldn't be down with wearing women's underwear for the whole day."

"It's like an apology though, right? The panties are proof that I'm really sorry for betting on whether Chad would score with you."

He was relieved to see Jensen smile as he leaned against the wall. "Apology accepted."

"Damn, I was hoping forgiveness would wait 'til tomorrow," he teased. "These things are kinda comfortable."

Jensen laughed, looking tired but at ease, and Jared tied a loose bow to keep his pants up as he asked sincerely, "Are we good? I know we started off on the wrong foot, what with the hobo thing and the bet thing and the me and Chad being jackasses thing, but I'm really glad to have you here. I don't want you to go running back to wherever you transferred from because you think this whole place is full of douchebags. St Mark's is, like, five percent douchebags, ninety percent nice and normal, and ten percent awesome."

"That's one hundred and five percent."

If Jared had been more like Chad, he would've made a crack about how Jensen was pretty _and_ smart but he settled for a self-deprecating shrug. "Hey, I've been wearing women's panties for the last ten hours. You can't expect statistical accuracy when my dick is in a little silk cocoon."

Jensen wrinkled his nose but laughed anyway. "Thanks for that mental picture. But yeah, we're good, man. You can't get rid of me that easy."

"Good to know," Jared said. "Hey, you got somewhere to stay yet? Did the badgers move out of your house?"

"The badgers are staying put," Jensen said with a sigh. "I guess it's a good thing? At least this way I won't have to move in and have horrible visions of badger sex every time I go in a room."

"Visions? Did they die there or something?"

"Not yet." Jensen scrunched up his nose in weirdly adorable disgust. "God, please don't add necrophilia to the mix. Sex with alive badgers is traumatic enough."

"You speaking from experience there, dude?"

Jared couldn't move away in time to avoid the punch Jensen landed on his upper arm, but he was pleased when he saw Jensen wet his lips as he stared at his biceps. Jared moved to lean against the wall beside him, casually flexing a little as he did so, and folded his arms across his chest as he asked, "So where are you living now that you got evicted by badgers?"

"I don't know yet," Jensen admitted. "I was gonna rent a motel room for a few nights until I found somewhere, but Danneel said she's looking for a roommate. I'm gonna go check her place out as soon as I'm done here."

Despite being disappointed that he couldn't invite Jensen to stay with him, Jared was nevertheless relieved that there was a zero percent chance of Jensen hooking up with his roommate before Jared could be charming and attractive enough to ask him out on a date.

"Oh, cool. That's great. Danneel's place is awesome," he said, trying for genuine enthusiasm but coming out somewhere closer to awkward insincerity. "I guess you're going to her party this weekend?" Jensen frowned and Jared kept talking, not sure why he was frowning but wanting to make him happy and pretty and relaxed again, "It's not a big deal or anything. It was supposed to be a party for Genevieve and Katie moving in together but Katie didn't want their whole building to hate them for throwing a loud-ass party the first weekend so Danneel's having it at her place and why are you still looking at me like that?"

Jensen's expression relaxed and he held his hands up. "Sorry, I just- I didn't know about that yet."

Jared smiled and nudged him with his shoulder. "You should definitely move in. At least then we can have a real moving in party instead of a weird-ass moving out party."

Chuckling, Jensen rested his head back against the wall and looked up at Jared. "I'll bear that in mind."

Watching the way Jensen absently licked his lips, Jared did his best not to think about how easy it would be to lean down and kiss him, and for the first time in his life, he was grateful for Chad's yelled interruption, "Is that Ackles out there?"

"Hello to you too, Murray," Jensen called back. 

The shower shut off and Jared heard some hurried movements inside the stall as Chad said, "We need you to settle this bet for us, Ackles. Who looks better, Padalecki or me?"

The last question was punctuated by the slam of the shower door as Chad stepped out into the room with a flourish. 

"Holy-"

Jensen's eyes went wide and Jared tried to contain his snort of laughter at the sight of Chad standing there with his hands on his hips, still wet from the shower and clad only in the tight blue panties which left absolutely nothing to the imagination. 

"Fuck, dude," Jared said, tossing a towel in Chad's direction. "Put some fucking clothes on, asshole. I don't need to see that shit."

Chad beamed at Jensen, unfazed. "I totally win, right? I look way hotter in these than Padalecki does."

He turned around and performed what could only be described as a butt shimmy in Jensen's direction. Jared did his best not to throw up and then decided that he and Jensen were clearly meant to be when he saw that Jensen was trying not to throw up either.

Chad turned back around and said with a cheerful grin, "I can always show you more if you want..."

"Oh, God, no," Jensen said, covering his eyes and reaching blindly for his towel. Jared placed it in his outstretched hand and Jensen patted him on the shoulder in thanks. "Jared wins the bet. Now please put some clothes on."

Jared raised his arms in triumph and, since Jensen's eyes were closed, did a happy little victory dance as Chad groused, "You both suck."

Fortunately, he headed off to put more clothes on and Jared leaned back against the wall to plan how he was going to spend his hard-earned fifty bucks. Thoughts of Chad-in-panties were still circling his head like the traumatic version of cartoon birds, and as he watched Jensen head over to the showers, Jared found himself agreeing with Jensen's shellshocked reaction, "Jesus, I feel like I'll never be clean again."

  
**+++**  


The rest of the week went by without any more major crises.

On Wednesday, Jensen moved in with Danneel, watched Jared consume more noodles than he'd thought was humanly possible, got his ass kicked by Misha on some weird Malaysian computer game, and walked in on two different sets of people having sex in supply closets. Genevieve and Katie were suitably apologetic about the situation but after Rosenbaum and Welling invited Jensen to join them, he learned that it was better to send interns to retrieve supplies from closets in future.

On Thursday, he inadvertently punched a clown, saw Aldis from IT propose to Beth from HR with help from a well-trained bunny rabbit, and ended up being a referee for Jared and Chad's attempts to dismantle a toaster with robots. Technically Jared's robot was more successful at toaster destruction but then it got set on fire by Chad's robot and so the day ended in a tie.

On Friday, Jensen finally met the chief of medicine for the first time. He then proceeded to get hit on by the not-entirely-unattractive chief but before it could progress to an actual date invitation, he was dragged away by Jared on a 'medical emergency', which turned out to involve a vital and scientific debate on best flavor of PopTarts. Jared happened to have his arm around Jensen's shoulders for most of the rest of that day, but Jensen assumed that it was just because he smelled good and was especially cuddly that day.

And then on Friday night, Jensen got really, really drunk.

As Jared had predicted, Genevieve's moving out party morphed into Jensen's moving in party with a stop off at Beth and Aldis' engagement party, and after four beers and more shots than he could count, Jensen wasn't really sure what they celebrating, only that it was awesome and clearly worth celebrating.

Shaking his hips in time to the Taylor Swift song blaring from Danneel's speakers, he linked arms with whoever was closest and skipped around in a circle in a way that he fully intended to deny if anyone remembered it in the morning. Seeing that his dance partner was not skipping with sufficient enthusiasm, he stumbled to a halt and then smiled when he saw that he was currently dancing with Chad. 

"Hey, man!" He put on his serious face, because this was a serious matter that required serious respect and attention. "How's your goldfish?"

"He's good," Chad said, looking pleasantly drunk. "I think maybe I should get him a girlfriend though."

Jensen made a sympathetic noise. Dracula had a hard life. "Is he lonely?"

"I dunno," Chad said sadly. "I can't really tell. He's a fish."

"Fish get lonely!" Jensen said with conviction. "You should get him a lady-fish. Or a man-fish if he swings that way. Is he a LGBTMIT fish?"

He frowned, doubting the length of his acronym, but Chad answered before he could ponder further, "I don't know, man, I think he's just a straight fish. I should get him a girl though. I mean, I do what I can for him - I feed him and I clean out his tank and I buy him a very majestic castle," -Jensen nodded in agreement at the majesty of Dracula's sparkly castle- "but he has needs, y'know? Lady-fish needs." He wrinkled his brow in confusion. "Wait, how do fish fuck?"

Jensen opened his mouth, then realized he didn't actually have an answer and so settled for looking down at Chad's outfit, which consisted of jeans, an artful distressed scarf, and a t-shirt with a silhouette of a wrench in the center of it. Amused, Jensen smiled dopily and patted his chest. "Hee. Tool."

Chad puffed his chest out and looked offended. "What the fuck?"

Jensen stopped patting him and pointed at his shirt. "Tool?"

"You have a tool on your shirt, dude," said a voice from behind him. "It works kinda like a nametag."

Ignoring Chad's spluttered retort, Jensen turned around and beamed when he saw Jared standing there with a beer in his hand and a smile on his face. Jensen really liked Jared's smiley face. (And his other faces too. Jensen didn't want to discriminate.) "Hi."

Jared laughed and rested his hand on Jensen's shoulder. He had nice hands. "Hi to you too. You okay, man?"

Jensen nodded too vehemently and then wobbled. Jared's smile didn't falter but he wrapped his arm around Jensen's back as he said, "C'mon, let's go sit down."

Jensen let Jared lead him across the room to the couch and when Jared dropped to a seat first, Jensen took that as an invitation. Jared was a big guy and it was mean to make him squish up so Jensen could sit down too. The best solution was obviously to sit on him instead and build upwards instead of outwards.

"Uh, Jensen?" 

Jensen looked down at him from when he was sitting astride Jared's lap. "We're like a people-skyscraper."

"Okay," Jared said, taking a swig of his beer. Jensen was sort of jealous of his beer bottle. "How much have you had to drink?"

"Lots," Jensen said happily, enjoying the buzz of the alcohol. "I survived my first week at work and didn't sleep with Chad or punch out a badger. I get to celebrate."

"You're gonna feel like shit tomorrow," Jared pointed out and Jensen clapped a hand over his mouth.

"Shush." 

He could feel Jared smile against his hand and lowered it again so he could talk. "Y'know, you're kind of handsy when you're drunk."

Sitting on someone's lap totally didn't count as being handsy and Jensen protested, "M'not handsy."

"Uh-huh." Jared looked down to where Jensen's hands were resting on his chest. "Not handsy at all."

"Shush," Jensen said again but reluctantly took his hands off Jared's chest to get a better look at the design on his tee. "That's _awesome_."

Jared looked pleased. "This is what I keep telling people."

Unable to take his eyes off the shirt (and, by extension, Jared's chest, which also looked excellent), Jensen tilted his head and laughed. "So all rainbows are a product of gay unicorn sex?"

"Don't tell me you fell for that bullshit about leprechauns and pots of gold," Jared teased. "At the end of every rainbow, there are unicorns getting laid."

Resting his arm on Jared's shoulder, Jensen tapped idly at his chest. "We probably shouldn't tell that version in pediatrics. I think kids are supposed to learn about sex through the birds and the bees, not through gay unicorns with rainbow jizz."

Raising his beer bottle in agreement, Jared took a swig and said, "You make a good point."

Jensen nodded. "I am full of good points."

Missing the feel of Jared's chest under his hands, he pointed to the two interlocking unicorns and asked, "Which one are you?"

"What?"

"Which unicorn are you?" Jensen asked again. He suspected Jared had been drinking if he couldn't understand simple unicorn-based questions. "Are you the top unicorn or the bottom unicorn?"

He knelt up and reached over to grab a pen off the table behind the couch as Jared asked, "I gotta pick one?"

"Yes," Jensen said before considering the shirt again and making his decision, "I want to be the bottom unicorn."

"I, uh- I'm good with being on top," Jared said. 

He didn't sound very certain but the top unicorn looked like it was enjoying itself so Jensen had no compunctions about writing Jared's name on it before adding his own name to the unicorn on the bottom and then sitting back to admire his handiwork. "Awesome."

"Uh, thanks?"

"You're welcome," Jensen said cheerfully. He was pretty sure there was something else he was supposed to be doing with Jared while he was sitting on his lap but as he cuddled in close to try to remember, he heard a familiar song start up from the speakers across the room. "Oh, man, I love this."

He sat up quickly but cringed when he managed to knock his head against Jared's jaw as he went. "Shit, shit, shit-" He tilted Jared's head back to check out the injury. "Fuck, I'm sorry! Are you okay?"

"Bi' mah thongue," Jared said with a wince. "M'okay."

"You sure?" His jaw didn't look injured but Jensen liked Jared's jaw and wanted to look after it. "I'm sorry."

He pressed a kiss to the red mark on Jared's jaw but wrote Jared's sudden stillness off as a delayed reaction to the accidental headbutt. 

"You should stay here, okay?" he said when he pulled back. "I'm a doctor. I'm very trustworthy."

"You headbutted me," Jared said with a smile.

"Accidentally," Jensen stressed. "And I fixed you afterwards. I'm a very good doctor."

"Hate to break it to you, champ, but that's old news," Jared said easily. "I'm okay, man. Really."

"No," Jensen said firmly. Head injuries were bad and led to death and other not-happy side-effects and he didn't want a dead Jared. "You stay here and don't die. I have to go dance."

With a final pat to the chest and a kiss to the jaw, Jensen dismounted and wandered away to join the crowd of people singing along loudly to the Village People. When he glanced over, Jared hadn't moved from the couch and Jensen told himself that the butterflies in his stomach were only there because he was medically concerned about Jared's injury, not because he missed the feeling of being cuddled up against his very professional colleague.

  
**+++**  


The first thing Jensen saw when he woke up the next morning was a wall of whiteness.

After a brief moment of panic that he'd died and gone to some kind of white, shiny heaven, Jensen knocked his knee against the wall and finally caught on to the fact that he was apparently in the bath. He squeezed his eyes shut with a groan and tried to piece together how he'd ended up in a bathtub but his brain just laughed at his misfortune and refused to provide any useful information.

His tongue felt furry from not brushing his teeth before he passed out; his breath smelled of an unpleasant combination of alcoholic drinks; and his clothes were crumpled and dirty after the party and the night spent in the bathtub. Counting the fact that he was wearing clothes as a happy miracle, Jensen opened his eyes and tried to roll over but let out a yelp when he collided with a solid body behind him. 

The body reached out an arm to pat him sleepily on the head and Jensen slumped back down with a groan when he heard Misha's tired instruction, "Go back to sleep, Pumbaa."

Confused about why he was being called by the name of a cartoon warthog, Jensen propped himself up on an elbow and surveyed the scene as best he could. He and Misha were crammed together in the bath, both fully clothed and half-asleep, and Jensen rubbed his eyes as he muttered, "How did my life turn into a Kesha video?"

Misha managed a sleepy shrug and reached down to grope Jensen's ass. "Yep, you're feelin' like P. Diddy."

"How do you even know what P. Diddy's ass feels like?" Jensen asked, testing out the range of movement in his limbs. His neck was kind of stiff from the whole bathtub situation but he was surprised to find that he didn't feel all that hungover.

Misha mumbled an unintelligible response that may or may not have involved the term 'party-boat' but Jensen ignored it in favor of pulling himself up out of the bath and swaying a little as he headed out of the bathroom. There was a sock hanging on the door of his bedroom, which meant that picking up some fresh clothes wasn't really an option, so he settled for going back into the bathroom to brush his teeth, take a piss, and switch his contacts for his back-up glasses before heading downstairs in search of other people and/or breakfast. "Hello?"

There was no response so he called again, louder, "Hello? Anyone awake down here?"

He heard a groan from the kitchen and jogged in there to greet Danneel, who was leaning against the counter in her pajamas with a cup of coffee in one hand and a spatula in the other. "Hey!"

She eyed him mutinously. "If you don't shut the fuck up, I'm going to use this to slice your head off."

Jensen frowned but lowered the volume as he asked, "Are you going to slice my head off with the spatula or with the coffee cup?"

"Both." She shook her messy hair out of her face and then winced as the movement did nothing to help her very obvious hangover. "Can I evict you for being loud and awake when I'm this hungover?"

"You could," Jensen said, reaching over to drop some bread in the toaster, "but then you'd have to have another moving out party and then you'd be even more hungover."

"Touché." She took a sip of coffee and blinked her eyes open wider. "How the fuck are you functioning this early in the morning? You were drunk off your ass last night."

Jensen flashed her a smarmy grin. "Guess I can hold my liquor better than you."

She flipped him off. "Where did you end up sleeping last night?"

"The bathtub," Jensen said, still not sure how that happened. "Misha's still in there in case you need to use the bathroom, by the way. Who's in my room?"

"No-one," she said with a yawn. "I put the sock on the door to make people think it was occupied so that you could have somewhere to sleep, but I think I forgot to tell you that. My bad."

Jensen smiled and ran a hand through his hair. "Talking about forgetting things, you don't remember what I did last night, do you?"

Danneel raised her eyebrows. "You don't remember?"

Suddenly feeling worried, Jensen dumped his toast onto a mostly clean plate and said defensively, "I didn't sleep with anyone - unless you count platonic spooning in the bath with Misha - but I don't really know how I got from being downstairs to sharing a bathtub with another guy. The last thing I remember was having a Taylor Swift hoedown with Chad." His shoulders slumped. "Please tell me I didn't hit on Chad when I was drunk?"

"You didn't hit on Chad when you were drunk," Danneel said helpfully. "But apparently you really, really like kissing."

It was true - Jensen really did like kissing - but the confident tone to Danneel's voice was not reassuring. "Oh, fuck. Did we...?"

She smirked and took another swallow of her coffee. "If it helps, you were a pretty good kisser. You did try to lick my nose at one point but we were both drunk and I didn't hate it."

Jensen dropped to a seat at the table and put his head in his hands. "Oh, God." He looked up at her. "I'm sorry. I don't- I'm gay, and I don't kiss women, and I definitely don't kiss coworkers who just invited me to live with them as a platonic, non-kissing roommate."

Holding the spatula and the coffee in one hand, Danneel massaged her temples with her free hand. "Apologize quieter. Actually, don't apologize at all." She gave him a small, tired smile. "We were both drunk enough to think that a casual make-out session was appropriate. It wasn't like you took advantage of me or anything, so as far as I'm concerned we can forget it ever happened." She wrinkled her nose. "Well, _I_ can forget it ever happened. You can just never remember it at all."

"Thank you," Jensen said with genuine gratitude. He took a large bite of toast, feeling like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders, and relaxed back in his chair with the question, "How was your night? Did you have fun?"

A knowing smile played on Danneel's lips. "It was good. I'm paying for it this morning but yeah, I had fun."

"By 'fun', I'm guessing you mean 'sex'," Jensen said with a grin. "That's definitely an 'I got laid' smile."

Danneel rolled her eyes. "Oh, please. It could be an 'I just ate a really satisfying bagel' smile."

"Come on, that was definitely a sex smile. No-one gets that much satisfaction from bagels."

"Fine," she said with fake reluctance. "I might have hooked up with someone last night."

"Who-"

He was cut off by the sound of someone clearing their throat and he spun around to see Jake standing in the kitchen doorway, looking disheveled and anxious. Jensen glanced back at Danneel in disbelief. "You and Abel?"

Danneel didn't say anything and Jensen looked around when Jake addressed him, "Uh, Dr Ackles? I need to say something."

Jensen stared at him in bewilderment but Jake pressed on, "I think last night was a mistake. I'm straight, and even though I find you very attractive when you're wearing a cowboy hat and trying to lasso people with Red Vines, I don't think this relationship is ever going to go anywhere. I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me. Are you, uh- Are you going to be okay?"

Of all the things Jensen never expected to hear, a break-up speech from Jake Abel was pretty high on the list.

"I-" He looked helplessly at Danneel, who kept drinking her coffee with a smirk, and then looked back at Jake. "Uh, okay? I'm glad you got that off your chest."

Jake seemed relieved as he wandered over to lean against the counter near Danneel. "Thank you for understanding. You're a great kisser, but I-"

Jensen's eyebrows shot up. "I kissed you?!"

"Well, yeah," Jake said as though it was obvious. "What did you think I was talking about?"

Jensen floundered for a response but came up blank. "I kissed you? How- Seriously?"

"Seriously," Jake said, now sounding kind of hurt, and Jensen nearly sighed in relief when Danneel stepped in.

"Don't take it personally, sweetie," she advised. "Jensen spent the night in the bath with Misha and doesn't remember much of how he got there. Just count the amnesia as a win and move on."

Intending to protest her phrasing - sure, he had been 'in the bath with Misha' but they'd been dry and clothed so it didn't count - Jensen found himself getting stuck on the first sentence. "Wait, 'sweetie'?"

Danneel shrugged. "I told you I hooked up last night." 

She leaned over to give Jake a good morning kiss on the lips and Jensen put his head in his hands as he tried to process everything that had happened that morning. "God, please let me wake up now. I don't like this dream."

Pulling away from Jake, Danneel raised an eyebrow. "Do your dreams normally involve me and Jake sleeping together?"

Jensen sighed. "I give up. I'm gonna take advantage of my non-existent hangover to go get a hotdog from 7-Eleven and deal with the fact that I turn into an amnesiac kiss-slut when I'm drunk." Danneel opened her mouth but he continued, "And if you make a hotdog joke right now, I will have a nervous breakdown and kill you in your sleep with an ice-cream scoop."

Danneel's mouth snapped shut and Jensen got to his feet, deciding that anyone else who was pathetic enough to be buying a hotdog from the 7-Eleven at 10am on a Saturday morning would just have to deal with him looking like a hobo. Grabbing a couple of small bills from the jar on top of the microwave, he paused in the doorway before heading out. "Wait, why are you holding a spatula?"

"I was going to make pancakes," she said, holding up the spatula as though seeing it for the first time. "The spatula was step one but my head hurts like a motherfucker and I don't wanna do any more steps. I like my spatula."

"I hope you two are very happy together," Jensen said with a smirk. "I'll be back in an hour. If you get Misha out of the bathtub and out of the house before then, I'll do all the laundry for next week."

Danneel saluted. "On it. Now go eat some hotdogs and stop taunting me with your complete lack of any hangover. Asshole."

Grinning, Jensen took her advice and headed out into the morning sunshine. Sure, he might've been involved in more than one inappropriate kiss last night but he must've been a crime-fighting nun or something in a past life because hangover-karma was definitely on his side.

  
**+++**  


Jensen made it approximately halfway to the 7-Eleven before the world ended.

Rationally, he knew the world wasn't actually ending but there was something undeniably apocalyptic about the impact of a delayed-reaction hangover. One minute he was walking along happily, pondering whether he wanted one hotdog or two, and then the next minute his head felt like it was being eaten by a hungry zombie, his internal organs seemed to be waging a violent internal war somewhere around his kidneys, and the toast he'd eaten back at the house was seconds away from putting in a reappearance. Hangover-karma was a cruel, cruel mistress.

Figuring that he could make it to 7-Eleven without upchucking all over the sidewalk, Jensen picked up the pace as much as he could but quickly came to a halt against a fence when his stomach rolled in warning. 

His head throbbed unpleasantly and, deciding that standing upright was way too taxing, Jensen dropped to his ass on the edge of the sidewalk and put his head between his knees with a self-pitying groan as a car roared past, sending shockwaves of dizziness through Jensen's entire body. He was never, ever making out with straight people again if this was his punishment. 

Hating everything ever, Jensen fumbled for his cell, opting to surrender the last of his dignity in favor of texting Danneel and getting her to come rescue him from the brain-eating death-hangover. It was surprising painful to open his eyes but he squinted through the lenses of his glasses to type out a text.

_dying. send help._

He was thumbing through his Contacts to find Danneel's number - why did he know so many people with 'C' names, dammit - when he heard the deep growl of a car and someone yelling, "Jensen? Jen!"

Looking up required too much effort and Jensen rested his head on his knees with a groan of complaint.

The person got closer and, much to Jensen's chagrin, the noise didn't get quieter. "Jensen? Jensen, you okay?"

Jensen growled in disapproval and then whimpered pathetically when the growl just made him feel worse. "Loud noises..."

He felt hands resting on his upper arms and he finally forced himself to look up when the guy said good-naturedly, "I don't know what we're yelling about?"

Somehow, it wasn't all that reassuring to know that of all the people in all the world, Jared Padalecki had to be the one who found him sitting by the side of the road and wishing for death. "How are you here?"

Jared smiled at him. "Well, they have these things called cars now."

"Shut up," Jensen muttered. "You're a crappy rescuer."

"I guess I could sweep you off your feet," Jared suggested, "but I don't think that would be too welcome right now."

"Bullshit. You couldn't sweep me off my feet. I am manly. Grrr," he added for good measure. Nothing was more demonstrably manly than random growls.

"Is that a bet?"

"No," Jensen said firmly. "No betting. I will throw up on you like an angry toddler if you try to pick me up."

Chuckling, Jared crouched down to put his arm around his back. "C'mon, kiddo. Let's get you off the streets before someone tries to buy a blowjob."

Groaning, Jensen let Jared help him to his feet and leaned on him shamelessly as they walked over to where Jared's truck was parked. "I'm older than you," he said, still dealing with the difficult task of putting one foot in front of the other. "And I'm not a hooker. Sometimes I kiss lots of people when I'm drunk but I don't think they pay for it."

Easing him into the car, Jared jogged around to the driver's side and gunned the engine as he asked, "So you remember that from last night?"

"I don't remember much of last night. Danneel filled me in though," Jensen said, pressing his head against the leather of the seat and enjoying the way the car smelled of Jared. "Apparently I made out with her and then I made out with Jake and then they made out with each other. I feel like I was accidentally in a threesome." Jared eased the car out onto the road and Jensen yawned loudly. "Did you have fun?"

"Yeah," Jared said, and Jensen was happy to hear that he sounded sincere. "It was a good night." He glanced over at him. "I know hobo jokes are getting old now but seriously, how did you end up sitting on the sidewalk in last night's clothes?"

Jensen looked down at himself. In hindsight, his decision not to change had probably been a bad call. "I thought I was okay," he explained lamely. "I mean, I woke up, got out of the bath, ate some toast, and felt fine so I figured I'd head out to grab some food. Then the hangover happened." 

He curled his fingers into claws and mimed a pouncing movement, now feeling a little less nauseous. Jared nodded sympathetically. "That sucks ass. Delayed-reaction hangovers are a bitch."

While he was nodding in agreement, Jensen's gaze dropped down to the door and he cocked his head when he saw a rolled-up ball of blue material in the compartment. "What's that?"

"Nothing," Jared said quickly. "I stayed over at Chad's last night and I brought a fresh shirt to wear home. That's just the one from last night."

"Boy Scout," Jensen muttered, only slightly bitter than Jared had managed to be more presentable and organized than he was. "Hey, can I borrow it? I'm pretty sure I smell really gross right now and I don't wanna stink out your car."

He reached for the shirt and started pulling his own off as Jared stammered, "Uh, sure. Yeah. You probably smell better than I did last night though."

Jensen shrugged, pulling on the oversized shirt and sighing happily. "I like the way you smell."

Jared coughed. "Thank you?"

"You're welcome," he replied cheerfully. Jared's clothes were apparently a very good hangover cure. "Where are we going? Are you kidnapping me?"

"Yes," Jared deadpanned. "I have a lair and everything." Jensen thought the idea of a lair sounded cool but he was prevented from asking if Jared also had a dragon when he continued, "No, I was just headed to 7-Eleven for some hotdogs. I can drop you back at your place first if you want?"

"Mmm, hotdogs." It was more of a purr than an actual statement and so Jensen added to clarify, "I endorse the hotdog message."

Jared grinned, slowing down to pull the car into the parking lot. "I thought you would." He swung his truck into a space and killed the engine. "Can you walk okay?"

Jensen nodded. "Your truck has magical healing properties. Someone should do studies."

"They already did," Jared said, climbing out of the truck and walking into the 7-Eleven at Jensen's side. "Yeah, it turns out that it's the long-lost truck-relative of Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. The tooth fairy was hooking up with Optimus Prime on the side."

"Does that make you Shia LaBeouf?"

"Yep." He looked at Jensen with a grin as they wandered down the aisle towards the hotdog counter. "I'd say you'd make an awesome Megan Fox but that shirt probably needs to be a little tighter before you could pull that off."

"Not enough cleavage?" Jensen teased but his eyes widened when he looked down at the shirt in question. "Holy shit-" Plastering his hands over his chest, he stared at Jared in dismay. "Why didn't you tell me I was wearing the gay unicorn shirt?" He peeked behind his hands again. "And fuck, why did someone write my name on this thing?"

"Okay, first, you dressed yourself," Jared said, not looking as appalled by the unicorn shirt as Jensen was. (However, Jared had been the one to spend money on a shirt involving gay unicorns fucking on a rainbow so Jared's judgment clearly wasn't that sound.) "And second, you were the one who named them."

"Oh," Jensen said, surprised, before looking down at the shirt again. The unicorn sex looked pretty acrobatic from this angle. " _Oh_."

Now half-recalling the feel of Jared's chest under his hands, Jensen froze as more and more of his memories started to come back to him, filling in the blanks from the night before. He remembered talking to Chad about Dracula, then sitting on Jared's lap and writing on his shirt and, _shit_ , headbutting him in the jaw. "Fuck, is your face okay?"

"It's fine," Jared said, looking at him with concern as Jensen tried to deal with all this new information. 

He remembered kissing Jared on the jaw, then getting up to dance to some really terrible songs, then deciding that Danneel looked like Miley Cyrus and what Miley Cyrus needed most in the world was a sassy gay friend in the form of Jensen. (Jensen didn't think of himself as particularly sassy when he was sober, so he blamed that on the alcohol.) He then remembered thinking it was a great idea for the sassy gay friend to be more sassy and less gay and to make out with Danneel, and then to be less sassy and more gay and make out with Jake, who may or may not have been cast as one of the Jonas Brothers in this scenario.

He remembered having a glass of water put into his hand and a big, warm arm tucked around his shoulders as Jared led him outside to cool down; he remembered lying out on the grass as they stared up at the stars and pointed out cartoon characters, sexual positions, and cartoon characters in sexual positions; and he remembered the feel of Jared's lips against his own as he finally got over his first-week nerves and kissed him.

There was more after that, presumably something involving Misha and a bathtub, but Jensen figured it was better forgotten as he looked up at Jared in shock. "I kissed you?"

Jared ducked his head and looked embarrassed as he shrugged it off. "It sounds like you kissed a lot of people, man."

"No!" Jensen protested then reconsidered. "Okay, yeah, but I didn't mean to kiss them."

Jared raised his eyebrows but a tiny, hopeful smile tugged at the corners of his lips. "But you meant to kiss me?"

"Yes!" Jensen gestured emphatically to his shirt, which was possibly the most obvious sign ever that he was into him. "See?"

Jared tilted his head. "You want to fuck me like a mythical animal?" Jensen rolled his eyes and Jared stepped in closer with a grin. "I'm kidding. I just- I thought you were drunk, dude. I like writing on things with Sharpies when I'm drunk."

Jensen looked at his tee again. "I wrote this with a Sharpie? Shit, I'm sorry for ruining your shirt."

"I'll cope," Jared said easily. "So it wasn't just you being drunk?"

"No," Jensen promised. "I know I made some bad calls last night but kissing you wasn't one of them. I wanted to ask you out all week but then everything happened with Chad and Danneel and the chief, and so I figured I should wait, y'know? I didn't want to rush into something in my first week at a new job and fuck up it with you forever. But then it was the weekend and you were there and you looked really, really good and you smelled great and your hands-"

"So you kissed me," Jared filled in with a sheepish smile. "I think I remember that part." He ran a hand through his hair and bit his lip. "So what happens now?"

Smiling, Jensen rested his hands on Jared's hips and licked his lips purposefully. "I was hoping we could try the kissing thing again. Y'know, if you want to."

Jared chuckled. "Trust me, man, I want to. I was almost chasing the chief off with a stick when he started hitting on you yesterday."

Jensen probably shouldn't have found that as romantic as he did. "Really? I thought you just had strong feelings about PopTarts."

Jared laughed, giving Jensen's hip a soft squeeze. "I can't decide which of us sucks more at this."

"We can work on not sucking," Jensen said hopefully. "Or just sucking in a better context. Possibly in unison."

Jared leaned in closer, his nose almost touching Jensen's as he murmured, low and playful, "So I'm going to kiss you before you start planning any more complicated positions. That okay?"

Staring up at Jared, Jensen couldn't do much more than nod and then close his eyes as Jared caught his mouth in a kiss. Jared's lips were dry but soft and Jensen felt him smile against him as he curled his hand tighter around his hip and tilted his head a little more until they found the perfect angle to slant their lips together. It was slow and steady, a whole new territory opening up to be explored, and Jensen didn't think he'd ever get tired of having Jared pressed up against him like this. Sliding his fingers through Jared's hair, Jensen licked teasingly at his lips until some of the nervous tension left Jared's body and he tipped his head back willingly when Jared parted his lips just enough to let his tongue slip out to curl against Jensen's. 

Deciding this was already better than the enjoyably messy kiss the previous night, Jensen let out a quiet moan of encouragement but blinked in surprised when Jared pulled back, looking flushed but satisfied. "Uh, we probably shouldn't do this here." 

Glancing around at the happily rotating hotdogs and the wall o' Cheetos, Jensen figured that Jared was right; the 7-Eleven wasn't the best place to indulge in possibly life-changing kisses. Still riding the high of the kiss anyway, he stepped back and tried to keep the dopey grin off his face as he said, "I'd say we should go back to your place but after what happened last night, I probably shouldn't put out yet." Jared smiled that really attractive smile of his and Jensen did his best not to leap on him right there. "Maybe after the first date?"

Jared thought for a second. "If I buy you a hotdog, does this count as a date?"

"Hell, yes," Jensen said quickly. "If I go buy a giant Slurpee with two straws, does that count as a second date?"

"Obviously."

With a final fist-bump of agreement, they took off in opposite directions to retrieve their breakfasts, and when they both paid and ended up by the exit at the same time, Jensen figured that this level of coordination could only lead to a long and fruitful relationship.

They made it back to the car with only one pause for more kissing - PDAs in the parking lot were totally more socially acceptable than PDAs by the hotdog counter - and Jensen settled into the passenger seat before watching in appreciation as Jared took a long gulp of the Slurpee followed by an indecently large bite of his hotdog. "Jesus Christ, how big is your mouth?"

Jared chomped down the hotdog and beamed. "I'll give you a practical demonstration later." He paused for a second and Jensen frowned when he laughed for no apparent reason.

Slightly concerned by the random laughter (and not wanting it to happen during sex - a guy could get a complex), he swallowed down his own bite of hotdog and asked, "What's up? Is my fly open or something?"

"What? No," Jared reassured, and Jensen was satisfied with the way his eyes stayed fixed on his crotch for a moment too long. "I just didn't expect this to happen, that's all. I thought Chad would wear you down, or the chief would swoop in and snatch you up, or, I don't know, you'd see Danneel walking around in her underwear and spontaneously turn straight. Trust me, Jensen, I wasn't laughing at you. It was more of a 'holy shit, I'm the luckiest guy alive' laugh."

Jensen smiled, flattered but surprised, and teased, "In case you hadn't noticed, I'm pretty psyched about this too, man." As if to demonstrate his point, Jared took another giant bite of his hotdog and Jensen tried to stifle a groan. "Now can we please go back to your place and do it like they do on the-" He thought about his t-shirt and crinkled his nose in confusion. "Which network has shows about unicorns fucking?"

Pulling out of the parking lot, Jared said with a shrug. "It depends. Are we talking about crime-solving unicorns, angsty teen unicorns with daddy issues, or undead unicorns."

Despite being intrigued by the prospect of zombie unicorns, Jensen said, "None of the above? Just regular, rainbow-making, gay unicorns."

"Then we'd be on BBC America," Jared said without a moment's hesitation. "There'd be one of those really serious British voiceovers that tells you what's happening every single second. Y'know, in case anyone missed the super obvious unicorn sex."

"I'm glad you've given this so much thought," Jensen said, eating the rest of his hotdog and feeling his headache start to fade out for good. "Are we-" He cleared his throat and tried to sound casual, "Do you still want to be the top unicorn?"

Jared looked over at the t-shirt with a lopsided grin. "Hey, he looks like he's enjoying himself. I'm not complaining." Turning a corner, he rested his arm on the center console and Jensen reached out to link their fingers together as Jared said, "Anyway, it's not like this is going to be a one-off event, right?" He squeezed Jensen's hand and grinned. "I'm down with trying everything at least once."

Quietly thrilled at the confirmation that there was going to be a (sex-filled) future to this relationship, Jensen squeezed Jared's hand in return, and reached over to take a gulp of their Slurpee, leaving the second straw untouched on the dash as they drove on home.

Experimental unicorns were definitely a step up from irate badgers.


End file.
